Australia Q and A

I wish I could take credit for this, even some of it, but I can't. It's very funny and I hope you enjoy.

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ). 
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. 
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA ) 
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney . Can I follow the railroad tracks?( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in  Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK ) 
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA ) 
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA ) 
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. 
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK ) 
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK ) 
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany ) 
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA ) 
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA ) 
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA ) 
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France ) 
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA ) 
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Maximum Exposure: Available in ebook + audio

 

Maximum Exposure

By Jenna Byrnes and Jude Mason

 e-book ISBN: 978-0-85715-267-1

audio ISBN: 978-0-85715-202-2

Genre: M/M, contemporary, exhibitionism

Publisher: Total E-Bound

E-BOOK BUY LINK

AUDIO BUY LINK

A secret pleasure denied could be the end for long time lovers Rob and Max, or will mistrust do it first? 

Rob Jenkins is worried. The relationship he’s been in for six years has become a little stale and not very intimate. He loves Max more than anything, but the man’s sexual fetish of ‘doing things’ in public never interested him.

While Max is away at a two-week business conference, Rob concludes that in order to save their relationship, he needs to make some choices. He surprises Max with a weekend visit and the offer to play a ‘game’. Will the sexy scenarios be enough, or will they merely expose the flaws in their relationship?

Excerpt From: Maximum Exposure

Rob Jenkins climbed into the back seat of the yellow cab and took the first deep, calming breath since he’d gotten off the plane in Chicago. Collecting his suitcase had been a nightmare, as the crowd of meandering travellers at Midway Airport seemed determined to get in his way at every turn.

All the time he’d been dodging kids and dazed adults hurrying from one place to the next, he’d had Max on his mind. Their fights, the lack of intimacy plaguing them of late and his own refusal to play naughty with the man he loved. He shifted uncomfortably, remembering the last time Max had tried to get him to ‘show off his goods’. They’d been at one of the local clubs, drinking and partying it up after a long week of work, when Max slid a hand into Rob’s pants, giving his cock a stealthy squeeze. Of course, Rob had gotten an erection. But fear of discovery and ridicule had cooled his ardour almost immediately. Max had been upset, and the evening had ended with them in silent accusatorial anger and frustration.

The cabbie interrupted his thoughts. “Where to?” he asked in a heavily accented voice.

Rob looked up and saw the man’s dark eyes in the rear view mirror. “The Mason Arms on Michigan Avenue.”

He knew the ride would take about twenty minutes in good traffic. He’d thought about the flight from Indiana, the taxi ride and his other plans a million times before finally deciding to join his lover. Being away from him for the whole two weeks of Max’s conference seemed like a bad idea right now.

“You attending that big software convention at the Arms?” The cabbie made small talk as he pulled into traffic, smoothly accelerating.

“Meeting a friend.” Rob wasn’t in a talkative mood and hoped his clipped reply would shut the guy up. It did, and Rob fell back into his thoughts about Max and the argument they’d had before Max had left—another misfired sexual episode, another denial on Rob’s part—a fiasco extraordinaire.

He shuddered. He knew something had to change. Max needed those risqué moments Rob kept denying him.

They’d been together for six years, long enough for things to become a little dull sometimes, but they could get through it. Spontaneity wasn’t always an option when they both worked long hours, Max on computer software development and Rob on photo shoots. He also knew the roadblocks he’d tossed in the way added to the tension, and he regretted each and every one.

I’ll do better.

The cab jerked to a stop then lurched ahead, dragging him back to the present. Rob glared out the window just as the cab pulled into the long, curved driveway leading up to the front of the Mason Arms. His stomach clenched.

Max.

——

E-BOOK BUY LINK

AUDIO BUY LINK

And yet one more Wal-Mart joke

MURDER AT WAL-MART...

     Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

     A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

     Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000..

     The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

     Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

     A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor ...

     The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

     However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store ...

     Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

     The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...


     (You're going to hate me for this ...)


     'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'


     Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

Maximum Exposure: Available now in AUDIO

Maximum Exposure audio book

Co-authored by Jude Mason and Jenna Byrnes
Contemporary/ Gay MM
ISBN: 978-0-85715-202-2
Buy HERE

Rob Jenkins is worried. The relationship he's been in for six years has become a little stale and not very intimate. He loves Max more than anything, but the man's sexual fetish of 'doing things' in public never interested him.

While Max is away at a two-week business conference, Rob concludes that in order to save their relationship, he needs to make some choices. He surprises Max with a weekend visit, and the offer to play a 'game'. Will the sexy scenarios be enough, or will they merely expose the flaws in their relationship?

Note: This story appears in the Friction Anthology from Total E-Bound and will be released as a single title on August 23, 2010.

Buy now or hear a sample from Total E-Bound

_ _ _ _ _

"I can't say enough about the style Byrnes and Mason bring to each and every book they do together." ~ EH on Books and More Reviews

And the winners are...

The Wanton Quill

 
Newsletter #63 - August 2010 Edition

I hope you've had a spectacular month. Mine has been busy, which is good, and productive, which is very good. Grab a cup of your favorite beverage and I'll tell you all about it.

What you'll find in this issue:

What Jude's been up to:
This has been an incredibly busy time, and I've got some awesome news to share!

Where to find Jude:
Website, Twitter, yahoo and more…oh so very much more

Coming soon:
Maximum Exposure, Co-authored with Jenna Byrnes

previously released in the Friction Antho

ISBN: 978-0-85715-267-1

Publisher: Total E-Bound

Release date: Aug. 23.2010.

New Releases:
Alex's Appeal, Book #3 in the Kindred Spirits Series
Co-authored with Jenna Byrnes
ISBN: 978-0-85715-247-3
Publisher: Total E-Bound

Buy: http://tinyurl.com/2unehpb 

     * * *

Maximum Exposure Audio

Co-authored with Jenna Byrnes

previously released in the Friction Antho

ISBN: 978-0-85715-202-2

Publisher: Total E-Bound

Buy: http://tinyurl.com/36rpneo

 

Reviews:
Scorpio Tattoo was reviewed by Jambrea of Joyfully Reviewed and received 5/5 rating.

Friction Anthology, which includes the story Maximum Exposure by Jenna and I was reviewed by Daisiemae of Night Owl Reviews and gave the book 4.5/5 stars.

Free Read:
A sweet little tale about games, naughty games…oh so sexy games!

Contest information:
Jenna Byrnes and I did a blog tour and here are the winners of our weeklong trek:

July 31 - Erotic Romance Reader (Janna)

            http://erotromreader.blogspot.com/

            winner: Jase
August 1 - Marie Sexton

            http://mariesexton.net/

            winner: Laura B.
August 2 – A Moment with Mystee

            http://amomentwithmystee.blogspot.com/

            winner: Elaine
August 3 – Mystery World of P.A. Brown

            http://pabrown.livejournal.com/

            winner: Sherry
August 4 – All I Want and More - Cecile Smith   http://www.alliwantandmore.blogspot.com/

            winner: Tanya
August 5 – The Stuff of Myth and Men - Keta Diablo      http://thestuffofmythandmen.blogspot.com/

            winner: T.T.
August 6 – EH on Books and More

            http://erotichorizon.blogspot.com/

            Two winners: Lily and Stella

And, we also held our very own Sultry Summer Extravaganza and here are the two lucky winners who get to chose one complete series each from the series' Jenna and I have written together.

Congratulations:

Sue Murtha murthasue@hotmail.com

 and

Jody Faltys gogi1_2@yahoo.com

Website updates:
You betcha. New stuff and here's the url: http://www.my-haven2001.com/

To read a slightly condensed version online, go here:

 http://www.my-haven2001.com/Newsletter/Aug2010.htm    

 If you'd like to join Jude's Yahoo Chat/Newsletter group, the url is:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Jude_Masons_Newsletter/ 

To have your name added to my mailing list, please email me at:

Jude.Mason AT yahoo.ca 

 

 Take care and have an amazing day! 

Hugs
Jude     

There's a SALE goin' on! (Just today so hurry)

Hi, gang!

It changed your life in ways you never knew. It became your best friend and, sometimes, your worst enemy. In some cases it helped you write your latest story and in some cases the power went out and you said some things that probably shouldn't be said around kids under the age of twelve. More importantly (well, for K.D. and I anyway), Untreed Reads wouldn't be here without it.

We're talking about the personal computer, and this Thursday is the 29th Anniversary of the IBM invention that changed the way the world would get things done. Without IBM's baby the ebook would probably have never had a chance.

In honor of the anniversary, Untreed Reads will be offering 29% off all titles at UntreedReads.com from 12am PST to 11:59pm PST. Here's the pertinent info:

1. The sale is good at UntreedReads.com ONLY.
2. Customers need to enter coupon code HAPPYBIRTHDAYPC in their shopping cart to receive the discount.
3. All titles are eligible for the discount.

Let's have a really terrific 1-Day Sale!

Best,
Jay Hartman
Editor-In-Chief
Untreed Reads Publishing
http://www.untreedreads.com